Infertility Confessions

This is the story that God has written for us in our journey to get pregnant. 

It is not always pretty, but we were able to find beauty in the good, bad, and the ugly. 

We give praise to Him for His blessings. 

Part 1 - The Announcement

Part 2 - Fertility Treatments

Part 2 1/2 - You Never Know Who You Will Meet

Part 3 - Preparing for IVF

Part 4 - Mountains and Valleys

Part 5 - Let's Try this Again

Part 6 - Doctors and Heartbeats

Infertility Confessions - Part 6 - Doctor's Visits and Heartbeats

So at four weeks pregnant, we had to go in for blood work just to check the numbers. 

I thought we would get an ultrasound at 7 weeks, but to our luck, we got one at 6 weeks. 

Google can be your friend or your own worst enemy.

I tried to use it as my friend. 

I knew at 6 weeks that we could see heartbeats, but not always. 

We didn't even know how many we had at this point either, but I had not shown any signs of miscarrying. 

I can remember pulling up to the doctor and just wanting to throw up, because I had no idea what to expect and was not expecting the best.

O' you of little faith.

So we enter the room, and our precious Christine is there as well.

We were all on pins and needles.

It seemed like it took forever for the ultrasound, but on the screen were two precious little heartbeats.

We could see them and hear them.

The little bodies had huge heartbeats!

There was not a dry eye in the room.

From then on, we had great doctor's visits every single time.

It was amazing to see these sweet babies grow before our very eyes.

It has been so much fun watching movements and personalities emerge.

At every visit, Baby B seemed to be our wild child, while Baby A was laid back.

At 9 weeks, Baby B even waved at us!

We loved finding out that we were having a boy and a girl. Baby A is our sweet Wesley and Baby B is our sweet Selah.

To say that we have already started a photo collection is an understandment.

We have memories from every visit with the latest one being the non-stress test where the laid back Wesley was so good and his heartbeat was steady.

Wild Selah waited until the nurses left to wiggle her way out of the monitor as we watched and laughed causing the nurse to come in and ask if we were having a party.

She finally found Selah and put her back on the monitor where she said until the end.

Through this journey, we have rediscovered that GOD is amazing always, and that His story for us is perfect in the good and the bad.

We are so blessed to be apart of His story and hope that this story will help others who are on an infertility journey.

That has always been our prayer.

Thank you family and friends for sharing in this journey with us.

We cannot thank you enough for your prayers and encouraging words.

We cannot wait to celebrate with you these sweet blessings from GOD!

Infertility Confessions, Part 4 - Mountains and Valleys

After miscarrying after having so much hope, I felt that darkness surrounded me constantly. I was in a valley, looking up into the mountain tops, so wanting to make my way to happiness and freedom again.

There were moments that I would get to the top, only to fall down again.

It was during this time that I thought I would put my One Thousand Gifts Devotions by Ann Voskamp to use.

It became my haven and help me to realize that as children of God, if we can give praise for the blessings, then we can give praise for the not so fun parts of life.

This was one of my favorite quotes in the devotion that really resignated with me.

There is no greater mercy that I know of on earth than good health, except in sickness; and that has often been a greater mercy to me than health ... It is a good thing to be without a trouble, but it is a better thing to have a trouble, and know how to get grace enough to bear it. ~ Charles Spurgeon

It took several months for me to finally feel that I had grace enough to bear it. I gave GOD praise for all that we had been through and for the heartbreak.

Once I finally did that, I felt a huge release of negative and look forward to the future.

I am not saying that I thought I would get pregnant or have a family. I still couldn't go there, but day by day, I began to celebrate the gifts that God gave me.

I was able to record them in the back of my devotion and found that the more I celebrated, the better I could accept the fact that things happen that you may not like.

It is those things or times that you are gaining strength, and you don't even know it.

After determining that we would not go through IVF again, Christine convinced us to do it.

Even though, I felt so much better, I still looked for all the negative signs that said we didn't need to do IVF again.

I mean the $6,000 in medication alone was a HUGE "Don't do this" sign.

However, our angel came to our rescue again, and we only had to pay a fraction of that price.

So for every negative I saw, God was working through Christine to have a positive.

Never in my life had I felt so neutral about something.

I couldn't even think of hope. I was so neutral in my mind that I would not allow myself to get my hopes up nor think the worse.

During this time, GOD gave me several distractions to focus on - opening up our booth at a local hip antique mall, changing jobs, and buying land. 

And this all happened at one time. 

I needed that. We needed that. 

Infertility Confessions, Part 3 - Preparing for IVF

Before we began our IVF cycle, I got the opportunity to attend a conference that just happened to be in Disney World. 

So Ken and I hopped a jet plane and counted ourselves lucky to be apart of this adventure. 

We had the best time and enjoyed the rides, food, and of course the conference. 

It was the perfect vacation before taking part in a round of IVF that we just knew as going to be successful.

After we got back from the "Happiest Place on Earth," Ken became a pro at giving shots, and I became a pro at receiving them.

We were well on our way to our successful IVF, and we were so happy.

About a week before our scheduled successful IVF, we learned of a family member who announced she was pregnant.

I just cried and cried, because I felt that her announcement had proceed ours. Therefore, our successful IVF was not going to be successful.

It was that moment that God whispered to me, "I have not forgotten you."

It brought so much comfort that my fears turned a 360, and we were well on our way to success.

So we did all that we had to do, and went home for the two week wait knowing that everything was going to be okay.

I even sang my "Red Solo Cup" song for a pregnancy test, and jumped in the shower only jump out to see a positive.

A POSITIVE!!!

This had never happened, we celebrated by me getting Ken's reaction on video.

We were on cloud nine. All I had to do was go in to take my blood test the next morning for the confirmation that yes, indeedy, I was pregnant.

Except, I had a feeling that there was going to be good news and bad news. No one wants to be a Debbie Downer, but sometimes you have feelings you cannot shake.

When I woke up to go to the doctor to do my blood work, I started bleeding.

I was so upset, but I went on in and did my work up.

When Christine called, there was good news and bad news

The good news - I was pregnant!

The bad news - my numbers were low, and I would have to come in and do more blood work.

We were so upset. I knew in my heart, that I would miscarry.

God had told me that He had not forgotten me, but I felt that He did.

I miscarried 3 days later, and saying that we were heartbroken is an understatement. 

Infertility Confessions, 2 1/2 - You Never Know Who You are Going to Meet ...

I must interrupt this series to talk about my fertility nurse, Christine. 

I fully believe that God created Christine to be a fertility nurse, and she absolutely accepted His calling for her. 

I am so glad that she did. 

Know I loved my doctor, even if I had trouble understanding him (I got better after praying about it!), but Christine had invisible angel wings. 

Both of them had faith in God and that was comforting to know that the people helping you in this were on the same side that you were on. 

I don't know if you have ever been to a fertility clinic, but it is not a very happy place. 

No one makes eye contact in the waiting room nor takes up conversation with anyone. 

I was always tempted to say, "What are you in here for?" Know the fragility of most of these women including myself, I never could bring myself to do it. 

Even though I am a school counselor and kept Kleenex in a strategic location on my desk, being a fertility nurse has to be so much more emotional with all the highs and lows, and there is a lot of lows.

Christine always did her job with a smile on her face, hope and encouragement coming from her words, and truly believing in God's plan. 

I do not know what we would do without her. 

I feel like she is family and should spend all holidays with her. 

We would probably have to rent out the civic center for all the women that love, celebrate, and pray for her. 

In fact, there are about 6 of us that whenever we meet, we always tend to have a "Let's Celebrate Christine" moment. 

Infertility Confessions, Part 2 - The Beginning of Fertility Treatments

I don't really remember much about seeing my fertility doctor for the first time, other than he intelligence was way  over my head as it should be.

It was like he was speaking a foreign language. Thank goodness that Ken could translate a little when we got in the car. 

Basically, my doctor switched my meds from Clomid to a similar drug that did not increase my anxiety, but did increase my headaches.

I would take headaches any day over anxiety. 

We did this for a few months, with no success and decided to take a break for a couple of months. 

Sometimes, mental breaks are good for the soul. 

Also, surrounding yourself with a cheering section. 

We had so many family and friends praying and encouraging us.

It was nice to know that we had people wishing the best for us. 

We finally decided to try IUI's, or what I like to call the turkey baster method. 

We had four total. Two just as is and two medicated. 

No success and the little flicker of hope was dimming. 

At this time, I changed jobs from teaching 8th graders to being an Academic Counselor to 4th, 5th, and 6th graders. 

This is probably one of my favorite jobs and a great distraction.

Life is funny sometimes.

You don't know why God chooses to close a window only to open a door. You just go through it and hope for the best. 

Around the fall of 2012, we decided to try IVF and was gearing up for that. 

Infertility Confessions, Part 1 - The Annoucement

Our long journey began three short years ago when we happily announced to our family and friends that we were "trying."

We were so excited and felt that we would not have any problems. 

Mother Nature had always knocked on my door in a consist matter, and no one in my family had issues with getting pregnant that I knew of. 

We believed it would only take a few months. 

Little did we know that God had other plans. 

The first year, we celebrated a friend bringing home her second child and another announcing her pregnancy.

I made a mad dash to Memphis to be apart of the sweet bundle of joy's arrival.

I was even breathing like his mother in the delivery room which about made me pass out, but I got to see that sweet baby enter in this world while his daddy and I held his mother's feet on our hips. 

It was a wonderful experience! 

After his birth, another friend announced her pregnancy. We celebrated this news with her, but wondered why it was taking us so long. 

We also began to take action by talking with our doctor about what might be causing our lack of getting pregnant. 

There are only so many times you can sing the "Red Solo Cup" song before taking a pregnancy test to realize that something is wrong. 

He encouraged us to use the ovulation kits to see if I was ovulating.

I was not. 

Around the same time, budget cuts moved me out of my counseling position and into an 8th grade classroom at the same school. 

Emotions were high to say the least. 

Our next adventure was Clomid.

Now, I know that Clomid affects people in many different ways. 

Some people have the luxury of not being affected at all, while others, like me, experience high amounts of anxiety.

I can tell you from experience that anxiety and guiding middle school children do not mix. 

I had to learn to take a step back and speak as little as possible when I was taking Clomid for a few days. 

The only fun part I can say about being on this medication is that my eyesight would get psychedelic in the mornings when I opened the fridge to get my creamer out when I was on high dosages. 

During this time, I also had two procedures to check to see what was going on .

The first was to check to make sure my tubes were open, and they were.

The second was a laparoscopy, where we found out that I had endometriosis along with a fibroid in the lining of my uterus.

After a couple of rounds of Clomid and finding out having endometriosis, we did not see success, so we were referred to a fertility doctor. 

For the Lord is Good, and We are Filled with Joy!

Seasons of life. 

I absolutely love Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time for war and a time for peace.

I feel that we have experienced most of these over the past couple of years, which has been beautiful even if it felt like the ugly beautiful. 

Some of you know our infertility journey. Some of you do not. 

I haven't even shared the half of it. 

However, that is a story for another day, because this day is about celebrating the good! 

Celebrating that when it rains, it pours, whether it is blessings or not. 

Celebrating that we now have a booth for our signs at University Pickers. 

Celebrating my new job back at the school I started with. 

Celebrating that even more dreams will come true this month. 

And celebrating that GOD strengthens the weak so that we may be strong enough to see and accept 

HIS grace. 

With great joy, we would like share the double blessing that GOD shared with us 12 weeks ago ...

This is the day that the LORD had made. 

We will rejoice and be glad in it. 

Psalms 118:24