Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Infertility Confessions, Part 4 - Mountains and Valleys

After miscarrying after having so much hope, I felt that darkness surrounded me constantly. I was in a valley, looking up into the mountain tops, so wanting to make my way to happiness and freedom again.

There were moments that I would get to the top, only to fall down again.

It was during this time that I thought I would put my One Thousand Gifts Devotions by Ann Voskamp to use.

It became my haven and help me to realize that as children of God, if we can give praise for the blessings, then we can give praise for the not so fun parts of life.

This was one of my favorite quotes in the devotion that really resignated with me.

There is no greater mercy that I know of on earth than good health, except in sickness; and that has often been a greater mercy to me than health ... It is a good thing to be without a trouble, but it is a better thing to have a trouble, and know how to get grace enough to bear it. ~ Charles Spurgeon

It took several months for me to finally feel that I had grace enough to bear it. I gave GOD praise for all that we had been through and for the heartbreak.

Once I finally did that, I felt a huge release of negative and look forward to the future.

I am not saying that I thought I would get pregnant or have a family. I still couldn't go there, but day by day, I began to celebrate the gifts that God gave me.

I was able to record them in the back of my devotion and found that the more I celebrated, the better I could accept the fact that things happen that you may not like.

It is those things or times that you are gaining strength, and you don't even know it.

After determining that we would not go through IVF again, Christine convinced us to do it.

Even though, I felt so much better, I still looked for all the negative signs that said we didn't need to do IVF again.

I mean the $6,000 in medication alone was a HUGE "Don't do this" sign.

However, our angel came to our rescue again, and we only had to pay a fraction of that price.

So for every negative I saw, God was working through Christine to have a positive.

Never in my life had I felt so neutral about something.

I couldn't even think of hope. I was so neutral in my mind that I would not allow myself to get my hopes up nor think the worse.

During this time, GOD gave me several distractions to focus on - opening up our booth at a local hip antique mall, changing jobs, and buying land. 

And this all happened at one time. 

I needed that. We needed that. 


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